Let’s Talk About Technoference: Why Off-Screen Conversations Are So Hard for Today’s Kids 

One Saturday night about five years ago, I found myself at TGI Friday’s at 10:30pm, just sitting down to dinner with a sports team full of disgruntled teenagers. The kids were grumpy after the afternoon’s loss and tired from a long day of travel; unsurprisingly, phones came out as we walked from the door to the table, well before we had even taken our seats.

Desperate to redeem the day, I decided to ask everyone to put their phones away: we were going to talk to each other for as long as it took food to come. The kids looked at me, incredulous – Now?! After today?! About what?! I offered basic instructions in how-to-start-a-conversation: someone ask a question, then let’s talk about it. I reminded them we were doing this to reconnect as a team after a disappointing day, and that everyone’s voice should be heard.

The team captain rolled her eyes but piped up: “Ok, so if you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?” 

At first, silence. Then – three kids at once, with different answers. The loudest voice kept talking and didn’t really acknowledge she’d run over the others. After that, a few other kids chipped in — some repeating each other’s answers and rationales without acknowledging that they were doing so. Less than five minutes later, sullen silence. 

We tried again with another question. Different voices chimed in, but the result was the same: this conversation just didn’t take flight.  I realized the kids were talking, but they weren’t actually engaging with each other. I decided to stop and ask them what was so hard. 

One girl offered an insight: “Well, I think it’s hard because on phones, you get to respond with what you think without waiting for everyone else. Or, if you aren’t ready to respond, you aren’t on the spot …you can just wait and see what everyone else says before you add.”

BINGO. Neither she nor I had the language at the time to describe these dynamics, but this is an example of technoference: a new-ish term used to describe the phenomenon of electronic devices impeding in-person relationships. 

Technoference describes the phenomenon of electronic devices impeding in-person relationships.

That night, I resolved to never again make fun of Gen-Z kids for not knowing how to talk to each other. I decided instead to adopt a lens of curiosity: by understanding their experiences, I hypothesized, could help solve the conversational challenges they faced. For the past five years, R.E.A.L.® has been doing exactly that.

R.E.A.L.® is a program that teaches, measures, and celebrates discussion skills. My particular area of interest is how, exactly, on-screen communication norms undercut the skills and norms we know are foundational for any great, face-to-face discussion.

We’ve surveyed and interviewed kids across the country and studied tech design and communication science. Here are a few examples of what we’ve observed:

• On-screen, if you disagree with or dislike something, you can disengage invisibly: just swipe, open a new tab, put it on 2x speed. In-person, you have to keep paying attention — and then, you also need to be able to respond respectfully. 

• On-screen, you choose when and how to contribute to a conversation (like? comment? ghost?): in-person, you’re expected to read body language and practice “live” conversational turn-taking. 

• On-screen, you have 108 emojis that are “sentence starters” for self-expression; in-person, you have to identify, name, and share your feelings—quickly and publicly.

Kids today are spending unprecedented amounts of time on screens – and we can’t expect students to let go of these on-screen communication norms the second they put down their phones. When you consider that for many students there is additional fear around being judged for what they are saying – not just how to engage – it’s not surprising that students struggle mightily to have authentic conversations with each other. As adults, it’s easy to mock, pity, or get frustrated by what I often call “the conversation crisis” among teens. 

By building R.E.A.L.®, my goal is to empower adults to respond differently – to proactively and explicitly teach the face-to-face communication skills kids need for real discussions in school and life. Our research-based programs teach, measure, and celebrate the skills students need to have effective, respectful, and authentic conversations off-screen. This work usually starts in an English or History classroom but the skills transfer naturally and quickly beyond third period. To quote a ninth grader: “I have skills for discussion in class but honestly these feel like life skills, like for jobs and relationships.” 

Ultimately, that’s why R.E.A.L. ® exists: to arm kids growing up in a tech-centered world with the skills they need to exist in real life.

These skills are teachable. We’re teaching them. If you’re interested in learning more about how, please reach out – perhaps unsurprisingly, there’s little we love more than a conversation!